


Living Like a Ghost (You Walk by Everyone You Know)

by 976



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Crying, Depression, Fainting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Jisung needs a hug, M/M, Men Crying, Mental Breakdown, Past Child Abuse, Sad Han Jisung | Han, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Supportive Minho, Worried Minho, no beta we die like men, projection at its finest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:27:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23523031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/976/pseuds/976
Summary: Being an idol wasn’t an easy career, and Jisung knew that when he decided to follow his dream. Constantly being torn apart by netizens was a given, but what he wasn’t expecting was his own members would also be tearing him down. He knew it wasn’t their intention, but he couldn’t help but wince whenever they scolded him during practice.More days than not, he would find himself in a cold shower and recalling each and every mistake he had made that day. Mistakes are inevitable, as nobody is perfect, but why did he have to make so damn many? Nobody else had made nearly as many as he did.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 4
Kudos: 256





	Living Like a Ghost (You Walk by Everyone You Know)

Being an idol wasn’t an easy career, and Jisung knew that when he decided to follow his dream. Constantly being torn apart by netizens was a given, but what he wasn’t expecting was his own members would also be tearing him down. He knew it wasn’t their intention, but he couldn’t help but wince whenever they scolded him during practice.

More days than not, he would find himself in a cold shower and recalling each and every mistake he had made that day. Mistakes are inevitable, as nobody is perfect, but why did he have to make so damn many? Nobody else had made nearly as many as he did. 

Still, he kept his facade. Smiling during practice, being the happy spirit his members needed him to be. If he heard a knock on the door while he showered, he would just apologize and turn the water off. 

He lived like this, each and every day of the year. He was never one to complain, and he wasn’t going to start now. Not when he was the one who chose this career. 

It had been 2 years past his debut once it all started to catch up to him. Nineteen years of keeping his emotions to himself, and he had no plans of sharing them. 

“Jisung, watch your left foot when you turn. You’re throwing off the synchronization,” he heard Hyunjin say. 

“Sorry,” Another moment to relive in the shower.

“From the top!” Through the entire run of the choreography, he kept an eye on himself. Watching each movement like a hawk, only to stumble over his own feet two minutes in.

“Jisung! Is it really that hard? Get your act together.”

Is it really that hard? The words echoed through his head and he realized that, no. It wasn’t that hard. This choreo is easy, so why does he keep messing up?

He must be better. 

Without looking up to see whoever had said that, he nodded in agreement. “It isn’t. I’m sorry, I’ll work harder.”

“Again, from the top!”

From that moment, Jisung let time slip. Hours and hours spent repeating the same simple movements passed with zero thoughts. Mistakes continued to be made, each time met with the same robotic apology.

By the time practice was over, he was exhausted. Every time he turned, his head spun and he tripped over his-self. Yet, he persisted.

I must be better. 

The members left for their dorm, and he remained in the studio. More hours spent practicing, hyperfocusing on each detail of the choreography. 

I must be better.

Midnight came and went, and Jisung could barely stand without falling. With a shaking hand, he restarted the song and let his memory guide him.

I must be better.

He lost track of how many times he had done the exact same counts. His mind and body felt numb, the buzz of the bass racking through his veins. He kept pushing forward, determined to get each song’s choreography down to a T. The next time he checked the clock, it was far past 4 o’clock in the morning. 

He was oddly proud of himself. He had never practiced for so long before. He felt in control of himself, finally feeling a grip on his previously care-free self. 

With a blank mind, he grabbed his things and headed for the dorm. It was a short walk, taking maybe 15 minutes before he reached their doors. But, this time, Jisung felt like taking his time. He obviously wasn’t going to be able to get any decent sleep tonight, so why bother?

The aforementioned 15 minutes quickly turned into 45, and he slowly turned the key into their dorm rooms. After seeing the empty common areas, he let out a sigh of relief and placed his bag by the door. 

He dragged himself into the bathroom, turning on the shower to the coldest he could, and undressed. Checking the time one last time, he saw that it was already 5:14 in the morning. He never meant to stay for so long, but it feels refreshing to not have to worry about messing up in tomorrow’s practice.

Stepping under the bone-chilling stream of water, he lets himself shudder and remember each time he had made a mistake. They flashed through his head at a lightning-fast pace, yet each one felt like a lifetime of shame. Grabbing his loofah, he scrubbed harder at his skin with every new memory coming to the front of his mind.

I must be better.

Within another half-hour, he was ready to step out and sit down for the first time in over twelve hours. Shaking his hair dry with a towel, he opened the bathroom door and headed towards the kitchen.

With it being around 6:00 AM at this point, he expected his members to be waking up any minute now. As he sat down at the round table, he wondered if he should make some coffee for himself? Or should we wait for more members to join them so they have coffee? In the end, he decided on the latter; the best way to avoid making a mistake is to do nothing at all.

While he played with his hands, the minutes passed and one by one, the members filed out of their rooms and into the kitchen / living room area. Some sitting down near Jisung at the table, and others settling for the couch on the other side of the room. 

Once 4 other members had left their rooms, Jisung walked over to the coffee machine and set it to brew a pot. Upon the sudden hissing noise in the kitchen, the others were forced to snap awake and become conscious of their surroundings.

“Jisung,” the leader groaned, his voice deep and raspy of sleep, “when did you get home last night?”

Unsure of if Chan would be supportive of his long efforts, he settled for a comfortable, “Around 1:30.”

He knew that lying was bad, but it was both an effort to prevent an argument and also make his leader proud of the fact that he worked hard. 

Letting out a content hum, the older said, “Alright. Just don’t overwork yourself.”

The younger rapper made a quiet hum in agreement, and reached for the pot of coffee that was now done brewing. Grabbing 8 mugs from the cabinets, he poured each member a cup and put in their preferred amounts of cream and sugar; at this point, Jisung had memorized their coffee orders.

Slowly, he walked around the room, handing each member their coffee before moving on to the next. He hoped the small effort had made them happy, but they had remained silent whilst grabbing onto their mugs.

Once everyone had gotten their coffee, Jisung headed to his room to get changed and ready for the day. Searching in his closet, he settled on a black t-shirt and grey joggers as today was mainly another dance practice-filled day. 

Walking to the bathroom, he quickly brushed his teeth, washed his face, and brushed his hair before heading into the living room and grabbing the bag he had dropped off not more than 2 hours ago. 

“I’ll be heading out first,” he nods before closing the door behind him. He needed to be early to practice to make sure that the efforts he had put in the night before stuck in his memory and he would be able to perform perfectly today.

Once he had arrived at the studio, he let the music play loudly and his mind to do most of the work. His body flowed with ease, each dance now much easier than they had been the day before. Maybe he should do this more often; stay behind to work harder.

I must be better.

The songs continued to play while he practiced, and before he knew it, the rest of the group had walked into the room and gotten stretched for the day’s practice. 

“Okay!” he heard Minho yell, grabbing the members’ attention, “today will be similar to yesterday; we need to get these choreos down before our next showcase. Jisung, have you made any progress in the new intro?”

Flushed from the sudden spotlight, he nodded, “I worked hard after you left last night. I’m sorry, again, for my mistakes yesterday.”

Although he hadn’t made a mistake yet, that would be a moment to replay in his head once he showered tonight. The older hummed, and called for the other members to join him at the center in formation for one of their songs.

The familiar riff played through Jisung’s mind, and his body went on autopilot. The moves came like second nature to him at this point, and he let himself free. Finally feeling at peace and proud of himself, he smiled watching his reflection in the mirror. 

Once the song ended, his ears were ringing and his head was spinning. But, no matter how terrible his body felt, nothing beat the rush of adrenaline of getting the entire choreography correct. 

Smiling, the next song began and Jisung again let his muscle memory do most of the work. With his brain empty, he let other thoughts enter the forefront of his mind. Still watching his reflection intently, he noticed how his build seemed so scrawny next to the other members. Minho and Seungmin had thick thighs that looked good in their tight stage outfits, while Jisung’s hung off of his tiny frame. Changbin and Chan had strong arms, whilst Jisung’s held barely and muscle. 

Now that he has learned the choreography, he must work on his physique. Just because he learned one thing, doesn’t mean he’s perfect. 

I must be better.

After running through maybe 7 or so songs, Jisung let himself have a small break. His head was pounding and his hands shook, but he remained determined to work harder.

I must be better.

Felix sat next to him while he drank from his water bottle, sitting in comfortable silence. Hyunjin, Jeongin, and Chan stayed at the front of the studio, helping each other out on the small details of each choreography.

Although a simple act of kindness, Jisung couldn’t help but feel almost… Jealous? Nobody had been there last night to help him learn all the details. Almost immediately, he pushed the thought out of his own head. 

I must be better.

He felt selfish for even thinking like that, and justified it with ‘I didn’t ask, so it’s my fault I didn’t get any help.’ He felt at peace with his reasoning, so, with a small pat to Felix’s thigh, he stood back up and continued practice.

Yet again, although he hadn’t made a mistake, this moment would replay in his mind within the next 12 hours.

Practice dragged on for hours and hours, and Jisung felt worse with each passing minute. His body was ready to collapse at any given moment, so he kept moving so the adrenaline would keep him moving. 

I must be better.

With one final song, practice was over. After having no food for nearly 24 hours, Jisung’s body trembled as his last drop of energy was spent. Swaying from right to left, he leaned against the wall. Bringing a hand to his forehead, he felt one last tremble rack his body from head to toe before everything went black.

One second he was against the wall, the next he was on the floor and surrounded by all his other members.

“Jisung!”

He couldn’t tell who had said it first, but suddenly his vision and hearing was filled with members calling his name. Jisung groaned in response, quickly sitting up. Minho was quick to support his back, whispering that he ‘shouldn’t sit up so fast.’

“What happened?” he heard once the clamouring had calmed down. He assumed it was Chan who asked, so he groaned once again before answering. 

“I’m sorry, must have not drank enough water today. I’ll remember it tomorrow.”

Upon hearing Jisung apologize, most members tilted their head or lifted an eyebrow; yet none of them made an actual comment.

Chan, content with the younger’s answer, nodded and let out a kind, “It’s okay. Remember not to overdo it. You should head home with us today, so you can get some rest.”

Having no energy to disagree, Jisung nodded before standing up and grabbing his bag, the other members quickly following.

The ride home to the dorms was quiet, as Jisung looked out of the window at the trees and signs passed by quickly. Thoughts raced through his mind, wondering what he could improve on without drawing concern. 

He looked around the van, eyes settling on the 3 members sat in a row in front of him; Changbin, Minho, and Chan. Two of them were composing music, as ⅔ of 3racha, and Minho was just looking down at his phone. He peeped over to Chan’s laptop, finding a sudden inspiration to compose more music. 

Only two songs of his had made it into the final cut for an album, but he was so happy when he had found out both times. He chased that feeling of happiness; the same kind he felt when he didn’t make a mistake in the beginning of practice.

The dorm felt nothing like a home once Jisung set foot in there. He could be out, practicing even more and becoming better.

I must be better.

After taking off his shoes and setting his bag down, he made a bee-line to the bathroom. Although dance practice had been mistake-free, he felt near tears by the time he stepped into the shower. 

The cold water sent shivers down his spine, and he scrubbed and scratched at his skin while the memories from today flooded through his memory. He felt guilty for causing his members so much worry, while he wasn’t even worthy of sympathy. He felt bad for making them mad the day before, enough to remain in the front of Minho’s mind this morning.

Although the urge was nearly unbearable, Jisung did not let a single tear fall. His father’s words stuck in his mind like a splinter, boys don’t cry. So he never did. He held it back, and remained strong. He has to be strong so that others can get the help they need.

I must be better.

After his skin had turned red, and his memories had finally ended their reign through his mind, he turned the water off and stepped out. 

He walked groggily to his and Minho’s shared room before flopping down onto his bed, and he let himself just lay there. His mind was so panicked, that he felt nearly perfectly calm. There were so many thoughts racing through his head, it was impossible to focus on any one of them.

God knows how long he laid like this, blissfully ignorant to the horrendous thoughts racking his brain. Eventually, a member (at this point, Jisung couldn’t care to take note of which one it was) opened his door to tell him dinner was ready.

Even the thought of eating anything made him feel like gagging, he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a small plate. He pushed his food around, taking a bite or two, before scraping the rest into the garbage and washing his plate off. He let the other members place their dished into the sink while he continued to wash them all with a stone face. ‘It’s the least I could do,’ he thought to himself.

I must be better.

Once he had finally completed washing all the dishes, he dragged his feet towards his bedroom once more. He didn’t bother to turn the light on before sitting upright in his bed, staring straight ahead. He felt truly numb, like a ghost just floating through life.

He didn’t notice Minho’s sudden appearance in the room, as he kept his straight face and stared at the wall in front of him. Hours passed like this, Jisung not moving and Minho not commenting.

At some point, Jisung had stood up and walked over to the mirror. He looked himself dead in the eyes, wondering why he made so many mistakes. Why couldn’t he just be perfect? Like all the other members? Why does he have to drag them all down along with him? He should just do them all a favor and leave them all alone. They’d do better without him.

Slowly, tears began to fall one by one. He didn’t notice (nor care) at this point. He let them fall without sound, cruelly smiling into the mirror as they stained his face.

“Jisung?! What’s wrong?”

He probably should’ve responded, but all he could was laugh while the tears began to pick up pace. His laughs turned into loud cries and screams, as he let his pent-up emotions finally come bursting out.

His knees began to buckle and give way, while Minho (who had previously been stuck in place) rushed forwards to grab Jisung into his arms and lower them to the floor. Jisung continued to sob and laugh, feeling his entire mentality collapse around him. Years and years of perfecting his facade, gone.

“Damn it!” the yell shook Jisung’s chest, feeling so disappointed with himself. “Why can’t I just be better? Why does it all hurt so bad? I JUST WANT TO BE GOOD ENOUGH.” His screams were raspy, and made Minho tear up. 

All Minho could think to do was to grab and hold him closer, running his fingers through his hair and whispering reassurances into his ear. Jisung’s sobs became less and less sporadic, but just as prevalent.

By now, many members had taken note of the loud sounds coming from their room, and crowded in the door frame. While Jisung couldn’t see them, Minho nodded them off; signifying that he had it under control.

Whispering again into Jisung’s ear, he said, “It’s okay baby. I’m right here. You are safe and you are good. You’re perfect, beautiful, and more than good enough. Okay? I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

They stayed in this position for an hour or so, before Jisung’s cries had slowed into small sniffles and hiccups. Minho took this as the right time to stand Jisung up and lead them over to the bed.

He knew Jisung likely wouldn’t want to talk too much, but he couldn’t sleep without knowing that the younger had thoughts like this running through his mind. He let the rapper’s cries come to a full stop before asking any questions.

“Jisung, can you answer a few questions for me? You can say no.”

“I can,” his voice was barely above a whisper, making Minho pout. He squatted down in front of Jisung, grabbing both of his hands.

“Why don’t you think you’re good enough?”

“Each day in practice, I always make the most mistakes. I slow you guys down, and I’m the worst dancer on our team. My body is so small and wimpy compared to all of you guys, and that ruins the group image.”

Minho, to say the least, was taken aback. Pressing a small kiss into the small hand he held in his own, he whispered, “Everyone makes mistakes. Just because we call you out on them more often doesn’t mean you make the most or that you are the worst.”

Reaching up to wipe Jisung’s tears, he continued, “And being small doesn’t ruin the group image. You don’t have to be big and strong to be an idol, and your body is perfect the way it is.”

“Do you mean it, hyung?” Jisung’s voice got impossibly quieter, making Minho feel some sort of way. 

“Of course, Ji. Can you make me a promise?” Upon hearing the older’s question, he let out a small hum, “Can you promise to tell me when you have these kinds of thoughts? We don’t have to talk about them, but could you let me know? I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“I can do that, hyungie. Promise me something?”

Minho nodded and hummed, awaiting the next question.

“Promise me you’ll never leave me,” the dancer let a tear roll down his cheek, nodding.

“I would never.”

Smiling, Jisung noticed;

He was better.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on this platform, so please ignore any technical mistakes I made while uploading. Thanks!


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